How to have a family outing

I timed it today. 4.5 minutes to get the kids unbuckled, strapped on, and carried/wrapped/punted into the store. And that was pushing it. Is it too much to ask to run through the fabric store without an army of crap and at least one tantrum?? Going anywhere with kids is tantamount to a sprint triathlon. In Texas. In the summer. When people drown in their own sweat walking from the front door to the car. At this moment in my mommy journey I only reserve trips out of the house for speedy, 5-minute grocery runs or other mom houses--basically anything where I can swing an easy exit with minimal collateral damage.

Claire on Modern Family said it beautifully after heading out with the fam to Hawaii--"Honey, I'm on vacation with my children. This isn't romantic. It's a business trip." Yup. That fits like a pair of good jeans. No longer am I running errands. I'm a field trip coordinator. There is a specific list of schtuff every mommy goes through before heading out the door with children. Here's mine:

• Diaper Bag--Don't you dare trust that what you stuffed in there last time is still there. That trash grows legs. Here's what should have been in my bag this morning: wipes, diapers (at least 3 per bottom), more wipes, spare clothes, snacks, other snacks in case those snacks are no good, baby spoon, at least two small toys that can clip to an infant seat, spare mommy shirt for inevitable projectile vomit, formula dispenser, bottle, hooter hider, bottled water, sippy cup of water, bib, sunblock, disposable placemat from Chick-fil-a, hairband, cell phone, wallet. What was actually in my bag? Four dirty baby spoons, the dog collar, a yogurt encrusted finger puppet, and five dead cheerios. Get that lifeline in order while the kids are napping in the morning. Check.
• Kid Transport--Double? Single? Umbrella? Infant carrier? I opted for the shopping cart for toddler and Baby B'jorn for Little Dude, but reluctantly. I hate the Baby B'jorn. Not only does it have a I'm-a-gay-dad-in-Manhattan name, but I read somewhere that they used as a torture device in the sixteen century. At any rate it's vastly quicker than a wrap so short term shopping with it is moderately bearable.
• Food--What a lovely day? Let's have a picnic! Really? Think through this. Blanket to sit on, food chopped/prepared/bagged and loaded in a cooler. Don't forget to put the cooler in the car. That's a good 20 minutes. Now we need the stroller. Let's load that up. 5 minutes. A couple more toys for entertainment.

Pulling up to JoAnn's, there are no cart return stations. Normally I'd park next to one of those so I can still be near the kids and be a responsible cart user. Nope! Not today! We're going to leave it on a grassy island. I leave the car running (since I can cook an egg on the sidewalk in this infernal climate) and unbuckled the Dude. Strap on aforementioned Bee-yorn and thread his little legs down through the bottom. Shut door and walk to other side. Take out Dudette from her car seat--the lot is busy and she is 19 months old so, no, she won't be walking. That means carrying her as well. Shut door. Open passenger side door and grab diaper bag. Shut door. Return to driver's side and turn off vehicle--don't forget to put keys in the diaper bag. Check. Cross busy lot loaded with kid and bag. 4.5 minutes. Whew!

Won't even go there with the picnic...