I'm really tired of the advice already and haven't even read much of it. Some people (you know, in the chat rooms on the internet) even do this elimination training whereby baby doesn't wear diaper (??). Mom "senses" when Precious is about to bm and holds him above the toilet. I'm guessing co-sleeping needs to happen so mom can "sense" those leaky little pipes at 2 am. Apparently said kid is "mostly" trained by one year but then it takes until two to be fully accident free. These are the same people whose mutant offspring are on Your Baby Can Read.
The complication continues with entire aisles at Baby MegaPlex devoted to the Holy Potty Grail. Some are insets that perch inside the big person toilet. Others are transformers--whipping from stool to seat within a certain time limit. And, yes, some even sing when tinkled in. Kid MUST be immediately freaked out when the pee starts a rollin'!
But that trash is boring and it's not even worth a few more words on the subject. As long as rich people have rich little babies, product developers and their marketing leeches will always go for the jugular. We have something far more important to decide:
What will we call the excrement????? This will decide what my children call it for their entire childhood. Stories will emerge from these words. It better be good.
The most comprehensive potty dictionary I can develop in ten minutes:
If it's brown, flush it down...
- Poop: Concise. Easy to say. Very public friendly. But it's just no fun and it reminds me of dogs. I hate dogs.
- Poopie: Cute, petite brown floaties. Very playdate-ish. We're liking the poopie. Although not cute coming from my son--he's already a bit on the dandy side.
- Caca: Multicultural, somewhat discreet. Too bad Olivia loves her Kashi cacas. Off the list!
- Doo doo: This says, "I'm a 5th grade boy." Or, "I'm from Arkansas."
- S--t: By far the most appropriate. Very German in inflection. Too bad our society slapped an inappropriate label on it.
- Crap: The WORST verb in human language. As a noun it's not so bad. But I'll keep this one for a fender bender exclamation.
- Fecal Matter: Need a rubber glove and stethoscope for the rights to say that one.
- Turd: Caddyshack Baby Ruth.
- Shite: Love, love, love this one. Why do British folk sound so fancy and talk so good?
If it's yellow, let it mellow...
- Pee pee: That stupid potty book that sold like a bazillion copies somehow uses this to describe a body part on a GIRL. Crazy dumb. No thanks.
- Wee wee: Willy Winky runs through the town! Upstairs, downstairs...
- Piss: Redneck Bubba in a port-a-potty.
- Tinkle: Ooo! Yes! The Tinkle Fairy whisks around the bathroom...I see a wand in the near future.
- Tee tee: Nice. This one feels neutral. Unoffensive, simple. A subtle slam at golf. My kind of word.
- Urine: "We're going to have to put a catheter in, ma'am."
- Number 1: Lame.
Say them all out loud.
Hmm...
I think we'll go with...
This is hilarious, Ashley! We can't agree on terminology, either. I like "pee" and "poop" - short, simple, and universally understood. Jenny likes "potty" for poop. Unfortunately, "potty" can also refer both to the place to do one's business ("go sit on the potty") AND the act of elimination in general ("do you need to go potty?"), regardless of type. We'll see. =)
ReplyDeleteFor your next blog topic, I suggest the equally controversial terminology for boy and girl parts. =)
We're still auditioning words over here. It keeps coming back to part of speech--verbs are definitely winning. So it's a another big can of stinky beans to sort through. I'm surprised Olivia knows what we're saying half the time!
ReplyDelete