Saturday, June 12, 2010

Psycho Running: A Play

The conversation that took place in my head during a jog yesterday:

(Girl walks half mile to bridge and stretches, a bit longer than needed to avoid the impending run.)

Voice: Wow it's muggy today. Sure you wanna do this?

(Girl fiddles with iPhone, setting playlist and RunKeeper to start. Ignores voice.)

Voice: You've stretched enough, right? Let's get to it so we can get home and pig out on dark chocolate. Any day now. Remember earlier when you had two bowls of cereal? That run you're about to do will barely pay for that. And then there were those three chicken nuggets.

Girl: We're not doing this today.

Voice pauses thoughtfully, then gently adds--

Voice: Maybe you should go back and let that food settle a bit more. Don't they say that you should wait between 2-4 hours? You ate barely over an hour ago. Wouldn't that be bad for your digestion?

Girl: It will be dark then. No. Like you said, let's get to it. For the chocolate (smirks).

Voice: It's your body. Destroy it if you want.

Girl jogs a half mile in relative quiet noticing the puddles and torn branches left over from a storm the previous night. Her body feels awkward and slightly off. A car drives by.

Voice: Did you seen them look at you? They think your grandma walks faster than this. We're not that far from home. Want to turn around?

Girl: No, it doesn't matter. The first two miles are junk. Just make it through the first two miles and it will feel better. You'll see.

Voice: But don't you think it's weird that this feels so heavy today? Maybe you're developing an injury. Every step you take is making it worse. Ooo! Feel that? There it is again! That's your, um, whatever tendon straining. It really would be better to do this tomorrow. Why don't we walk home and-

Girl: No. We've almost made it a mile. Half-way through the junk.

Voice: Suit yourself.

A few moments pass.

Voice: Say, didn't your aunt--the one who's a physical therapist--tell you that running is the most stressful thing you can do to a body? That humans aren't designed for it? If you want to do something that you aren't designed to do-

Girl: I do!

Voice: That's fine with me. I'm just saying, if you want to train for something, why not train for a cycling race or swimming thing, whatever they do. You can still stop now and make it back sooner than if you finished running the course today. Pause. You're not a quitter. You know that. This wouldn't be quitting. It would be, um, postponing.

Girl: It's just one step at a time. One foot in front of the other. Don't look at the course. Look two steps ahead. I've made it almost halfway there besides.

Voice: Yeah, but look how tired you are. You still have half the course to go. And you really need water. Is there a water fountain around? No? Maybe you should slow down a bit and take it easy. Don't want to get dehydrated and-

Girl: But it doesn't matter.

Voice: Yeah, like it won't matter when they find you blacked out in the gutter. It may start to rain again and you'll slip right down there with the water moccasins. They'll look for days and you'll be dead with the snakes. Great plan.

Girl ignores Voice. Each step is more challenging as she moves ahead. For several minutes Voice is silent. She starts to feels the weight of a slight incline and tires quickly.

Voice: How about you just walk the incline?

Girl: That would be quitting. I don't quit.

Voice: Come on, just once? It won't hurt. You'll get right back into it tomorrow. You'll even go farther then. But if you push it too much today you won't do so well tomorrow. It's up to you. Walking is cross training. You need cross training to become a good runner. Did you do any cross training last week? No? Why not do it now to catch up!

Girl: Shut up.

Voice: This is your pain sensor yelling at you! You're telling me to shut up?!?

Girl: I'm not in pain.

Voice: That's what you think! You're twenty-five pounds overweight and trying to train for a marathon. Do you really think you can do this?

Girl: But it doesn't matter...but it doesn't matter...

Voice: If you can't even complete three miles easily, how will you do ten, fifteen, TWENTY-SIX?!? You're really not a runner. Look at those ankles.

Girl: I'll show you. Shut up.

Voice pauses for dramatic effect. It speaks sweetly in a mothering tone.

Voice: I just want you to be happy. Does this make you happy? Can you honestly tell me you are happy doing this.

Girl: Happy is temporary. Discipline makes joy.

Voice is at a loss for words at the moment. Girl doesn't like the song on her iPhone.

Voice: I know you don't like that song. Why don't you stop and change it? That stupid phone always goes on standby so soon. Just a quick break and fast forward.

Girl: No.
Voice: No, I know you don't want to stop. This isn't stalling, it's adjusting your settings. Is there some law against changing your playlist?

No answer. The Voice continues to wait several more minutes.

Voice: My, my. Look at that mileage.

Girl: Half a mile from home. You proud?

Voice: Absolutely. You've made incredible progress. Waits a bit and then, softly. Maybe you've done enough for the day. Two and a half miles is great! Remember when you could only jog thirty seconds at a time? What an accomplishment.

Girl: Yes it is. A few more minutes.

Voice: But don't you need a cool down? Six minutes is a good amount of time to cool down. You wouldn't want to overheat. Just eat less chocolate and call it a night.

Girl: Finish strong. I'll complete what I start. Keep your mouth shut.

Voice: Well, suit yourself. Ooo! See that water fountain? Run over to it and take a sip! Wow it's humid tonight!

Girl smiles slightly and ignores Voice.

Voice: There's really no need to go all the way. Just a fourth of a mile left? Why are you so legalistic?

Girl smiles bigger, striding confidently.

Voice: That's far enough, really. Let's stretch, you know, to work out the kinks in those legs.

Girl completes run.

Voice: Just remember how tired you are. Next time will be even harder. I'm just saying.

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